There is nothing wrong with me.

I think everybody has a breaking point to where they just need to stop putting themselves out there, and put their comfort/needs/wants/whatever before whatever is pushing them to that limit. I’m so there.  And I need to vent.

I’ll be honest, being a stepmom is hard.  Not hard like parenting is hard.  Parenting is easy.  Babies/toddlers/children in general are easy for me.  It’s hard to deal with another person’s drama, insecurities, and childishness because you are with the father of her child or helping him in parenting their child.   I get that it’s probably not the easiest thing in the world to be on the other end of, but for Pete’s sake, be cordial.  Be polite.  Be respectful.  Maybe even appreciate the fact that your child’s father has chosen to be with ONE woman long term, and isn’t bringing woman after woman into the kid’s life.  Be thankful that at least he is with someone who is good with children and who makes the child’s care a priority during his parenting time.  Many girlfriends/fiances/even wives aren’t so quick to open their heart and life to a “step” child.  Trust me, I’ve seen how hard it can be for some women to accept another’s child—its not so easy for everybody.  In all honesty, it would be easier for me if Mr. Badass wasn’t all about parenting his child.  It would make life simpler for me and us as a couple if it wasn’t something we were willing to fight for.  If we just took every other weekend and holiday because that’s what’s simplest.  If we weren’t having to pinch pennies to afford a lawyer.  But he and I both love Little Mister very much and we don’t want to take the easy way out.  He brings nothing but joy to our lives.  It’s the other stuff that is annoying.  I guess I’m just tired of being called names, untrue statements being made about my life, choices, etc., and plain old drama.

The truth is, I’ve been NICE.  Not just regular nice, either.  The kind of nice that makes my friends go, “What?”  I’m talking above-and-beyond kind of nice.  Irrationally nice, maybe.  After some really hateful and nasty things have been said or done even.  But the words that were said this week, they crossed the line.  After me being so giving as to share photos, information, etc when I have no legal obligation to do so.  After I made arrangements for ME to drive my (future) “step”son the fifty minutes each way to see his mom on Halloween, so a holiday would not be missed and so he could be shared with his other family.  (**note, i put “step” in quotes because I don’t like that term.  To me, it shows that there is a separation on my end and there isn’t.  Kids are kids to me.)  After seeing the pictures that I have taken that were on my or Mr. Badass’ facebook page and used and posted without asking or acknowledging me, and I just didn’t say anything.  The stuff said about me was taken too far.  If you don’t know a person, or what they have been through, do not make assumptions based on opinions, naysayers, and hard feelings.  And do not say them on a kind of platform that they will get back to that person who has been bending over backwards to accommodate you.

I was taught that I never have to explain myself.  But sometimes I feel like I should get a turn to talk, too.

Something that was brought up is that I am a married woman.  Yes, legally I am still married to my first husband.  That marriage was over long before we admitted it, which we agreed on a divorce in March.  For months before that, we were simply going through the motions, as neither of us really thought we would agree with divorce as an option for us but both of us pretty miserable.  Paperwork was completed in April.  We’ve parted ways as friends and we get along fine.  We were legally able to file in July, however the lawyer (who was doing this as a favor to us anyway) didn’t get the paperwork in and court wasn’t until September.  Then on the day of court the Judge cancelled all her court for the day (probably a family/personal emergency or situation; it happens), so we got pushed back to mid-October.  By the end of next week, this should all be done and dealt with.  So yes, I am still technically “married”.  And yes, Mr. Badass proposed to me a couple weeks ago and I said, “Yes.”  Judge the situation if you want, but anybody who has been through a divorce knows that they can be really speedy or drag along, it just depends.  My ex was aware of my new relationship; he has one of his own.  He was also aware that engagement was on the horizon and gave me his best wishes.  Not that anybody’s opinion matters, but I think that says a lot about our ability to maintain a decent relationship after a marriage fell apart long ago.  I don’t think that this is something to be held against Mr. Badass or I.  So what, my first marriage didn’t work out.  I’m not the first person in the world to get divorced and move on.  The time frame is irrelevant; if I were “single” when we got together, nobody would say anything about us being engaged now.  And I was alone in that marriage (at least romantically) for a long time before now.

I was referred to as “mentally unstable” also.  By someone who has never had a conversation with me other than a few texts centered around Little Mister.  Someone who doesn’t know a thing about me other than what Mr. Badass’ estranged brother and his wife have told her, and they aren’t exactly the kind of people who are objective or even honest.  (These are the same people who decided to send texts to family and friends of mine to tell them about me having an abortion ten years ago in an effort to ruin my relationships…which actually only made them stronger and helped me conquer my fear of the past.)   Someone who doesn’t know that I’ve spent hours and hours going through family therapy with my foster children.  That I know a lot about psychology, emotional health, and spiritual well-being.  You know what, I am an emotionally healthy person.  I have good days and bad days, just like everybody else.  I, obviously, express my feelings.  I use writing to let out emotions, feelings, happy and sad times.  There are days when I love myself and other days when I struggle with certain aspects of my life.  Who doesn’t have times like that?  I am forgiving, strong, and on a pretty even keel.  Like it or not, have me evaluated if you want.  I don’t care.  There is nothing wrong with me.

It is not my responsibility to make a person like me.  It’s actually not anybody else’s responsibility to like me.  But I do respect others and expect to be respected in return.  I could have spent this entire post bashing the person who says these things about me.  Saying personal hateful judgement opinions.  Talking about the mother of a child who I love and adore like she’s something that I want her to be so it justifies me not liking her and saying those negative things.  But I won’t.  Because I don’t know her.  I’m actually thankful for her, because without her, there would be no Little Mister.  I’m thankful that she made a choice that a scared 17 year old version of me was too terrified to make.  I respect that.  I guess it’s just too much to expect that same respect in return.

So I’ve hit my limit.  I’m nice.  I’ll always be nice.  But I’m done sticking my neck out.  I’m done returning hate with being overly kind.  And as for Halloween, I was asked to babysit.  We have bills and lawyer fees to pay, so I have to make the choice that’s best for our family and cancel driving almost 100 miles round-trip.  I can’t let it bother me.  I can’t feel bad for someone who would return my kind gesture with hate, non-appreciation, and cruel words.  I’m done letting the game-play and harsh, meaningless words get to me.

I just needed to vent.  BLAH!

On that note, have a good weekend.   All of you—even if you don’t like me.  (Like I’ve said before, I know you read this, too.)

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”  Stephanie Klein