Despite nearly a decade of trying and wishing, I have birthed no live children, yet there is a little boy who calls me mommy. The world doesn’t seem to know how to respond to us, so here is some insight into the life of a childless [step]mom.
1. The fact that a live child has not yet (or may never) pass from my womb into the living world makes me no less of a woman than you are. In fact, it makes me no less of a mother. The capacity to love a child to the point that if the situation presented, I would give up my last breath to save him is not just within me, it is the very definition of my love for my son.
2. I will no longer demean or belittle my love for my child by adding a degree of separation because it makes anybody else more comfortable. No longer an extra, or a bonus or a step to appease anybody. The boy did not grow inside of my loins, but together we have excavated a place for him within the very organ that keeps my blood flowing. He has made that place his own, and it will always belong to him. He doesn’t have to know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside, for, he has its sound memorized from nights of being rocked to sleep with his head upon my chest, soothed by my heart’s steady, rhythmic bu-bum bu-bum.Believe me, the boy knows my heart.
3. The name, or title or, whatever he wants to call me will not be my choice, or Daddy’s choice, or anybody else’s. It will be the boy’s choice. Right now he follows me around chirping, “mom, mum, mummy, mama, wawa.” I eat up every moment of that, because I am not a fool; I know that the day will likely come that having a mom here and a mom there isweird. But maybe not. Either way, I have prepared my heart for then, and I will graciously accept whatever title the boy gives me.
4. No, I do not just wish his Other mom would disappear. Admittedly, in the beginning when we were all a bit younger, and the boy was still so new, I think know that she and I both felt this way about each other. Out of ignorance , selfishness, naivety, perhaps. However time has passed and we have grown to recognize and appreciate the role that the other plays. To my knowledge, She is not intimidated by my experience, and I am no longer threatened by biology. So no, I do not want Her to disappear, and neither should you. The boy only exists because of her; he loves her. Therefore, she is just as much a part of my family as the boy is.
5. Yes, I can and truly do love him as if I conceived, carried, and birthed him. If you can’t understand that, then fuck you. Yes, I said that. Don’t tell me that my feelings for the boy aren’t the same as yours for your real child, that I will understand what you’re saying if and when I have a child of my own someday. I know me. I know my love. I don’t need you to validate that for me.
6. My family is complete. Don’t get me wrong. Every fiber of my being longs for babies lost or a new miracle sibling for the boy. But I am happy, content, fulfilled totally by the number of beating hearts in my home. My walls may be filled with photographs of the same three faces, but those walls (and my heart) are still full.
7. A custody battle doesn’t come out with a winner. Don’t tell me you hope we win. It does come out with a loser, though. And you know who loses the most…the boy. Right now he spends half of his life with one family, and half with another. This has been his life since he was three months old. It is his reality, his story, and he is well-adjusted and happy, considering the confusion. If we have to “battle” this out and change from 50/50 to any other situation, the boy loses a family to a massive degree. We aren’t facing that now, and I pray that we never have to face it again, for his sake. Do not talk casually about our custody situation. It is a serious thing. Thank God you don’t have to deal with it, if you don’t.
8. The boy will always know the truth. I will not lie to him to protect him, for this is a cruel, dark world and I am not giving anybody ammunition to crush it for him. However, I will strive to teach the boy to find the light, to see beauty in the world, and to seek adventure. I will use a kind voice, gentle hands, and embrace him with open, merciful, and comforting arms. Simply because his life wasn’t planned, doesn’t mean that we cannot plan and wish great things for his life.
———
And I’ve been keeping track of my 1,000 gifts, here’s Friday thru Tuesday,
7. The week is drawing to an end with a gorgeous day on the forecast for Saturday.
8. The hilarious sight of my ninety pound dog perched on the back of the couch like a cat, watching the squirrels play in the yard.
9. An unexpected chat with a daycare mom where my advice was requested, many laughs were had, and some good verbal processing on a tough life situation.
—
10. What a beautiful day for a wedding of an old friend. She looked beautiful and was so gracious and appreciative of everything!
11. A little extra time dancing and enjoying life with my boss after work. Living in the moment, letting loose, and dancing like nobody was watching.
12. A husband who supports my weekend job and the time out afterwards, even when it cuts into what would be our time together.
—
13. A niche community of people who are kind, personable, and non-judgmental.
14. Rain!! Looking forward to a greener world, and soon!
15. Picked up the boy and he was sweet, happy, and affectionate. How Iove him.
—
16. Morning cuddles and sweet kisses from the boy on my nose, ears, and eyes to wake me up this morning. I will feign sleep any day for that wake up call.
17. Naps. All around.
18. A husband who appreciated and seemed to actually enjoy the roast I made. After cooking and smelling it all day, as well as not being a big fan of beef, I wasn’t a fan. So glad he liked it though.
—
19. The sweet, awkward and adorable dance moves the boy does to the theme song of the show House. Too freakin cute.
20. An evening with nieces and nephews. Can’t really go wrong there.
21. My mom and dad are so the best. Seeing them, even for a few minutes at a time, interact with the boy still melts my heart.
Me, Rediscovered. 